In Which We Have Some Serious Talk About Consent

There has been a lot of talk about consent in modern times. As a mother of three boys, I am concerned not only about my sons not forcing consent out of anyone but also of them misreading the cues that a female gives. So when I read certain scenarios provided on Twitter, I use it as an opportunity to test their understanding.

Let me say here that I do not envy men of the 21st century. I would like to say good men always end up with good ladies but we all know that doesnt always happen. A nice guy can end up with a mentally imbalanced lady and vice versa. Bad things happen to good people that is why some ladies will withdraw consent they freely gave when they are attacked by conscience after thr fact or when they feel that the man has not continued loving them the way they feel he should. I can’t imagine how I would feel if any of my sons was falsely accused of rape or sexual assault and I had no way of proving otherwise. So to them I preach extreme caution; try not to be in isolated places with any girl and if you are with one you like, have a chaperone. This of course does not cover every single situation but I’m hoping it helps.

So this guy tells his story on Twitter. You can read his story here. And I had to edit the story to PG 13 and share it with them. My question was: what would they have done different? These were their thoughts:

  • It is a bad idea to hang out with an ex. Dave thinks there has to be a reason they were ex to start with.

My next question was what if it becomes absolutely necessary to spend time with an ex?

  • “10pm is too late for her to come back home with me,”Dave says. “After dinner I am dropping her off at her home.” Zaram says he would call her a cab if she does not have a means of transportation. She definitely is not spending the night they both agree.

The kids could not contemplate allowing her to sleep over. That is where they draw the line. So I posed another question: what if she is stranded sleeps over and begins to give these funny signals at night?

  • I’ll leave the room for her says Zaram. Abd if she gets naked and keeps following you around and still says “no sex”? “Can I call the police?” Michael asks. (I think he has watched plenty oyibo feem)

My boys understand what consent means. I have used the tea illustration so they get it. But I am afraid that some girls still do not understand what it means to give consent. You cannot say you don’t want tea and then you carry the cup all the way to your mouth and then deep the tip of your tongue into it. While we train our boys that NO means NO can we tell our girls not to give mixed signals? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

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4 comments

  1. Hey Abigail. We need a complete overhaul of our systems. Two things at play here. 1. Some girls are just crazy. 2. Some girls have been taught that giving it away at first try makes them look easy/cheap so they have to front small.

    All my male friends who are sexually active have had experiences with girls who did this no/yes/no/yes thing. It’s the same way a guy will ask a girl out and she is expected to make small yanga first even if she likes him (absolute rubbish I think).

    What I tell my male friends is this: it does not matter whether ten girls have done you yes/no/yes/no. If a woman says no, take it as a no. Treat every case as unique. Else you will end up raping someone.

    And yes, we need to raise our girls in a system where they don’t have to hide their sexual needs or pretend because they have to live up to some ‘good girl’ tag. It’s not enough to say, ‘don’t taste the tea’ when if they decide to just pick the cup and drink, you’ll call them ashawo and treat them as though they’re unclean.

    This boy’s case does not in any way give credence to the ‘if a woman comes to your house, she wants it’ mindset. That movement needs to die please.

    1. When you say, the ‘if a woman comes to your house, she wants it’ mindset has to die, are you in some way suggesting that this post has in anyway subscribed to that mindset? Because if you have then I will have to say you got it wrong. I think we should stop treating these issues in two extremes.The emphasis on how we raise our boys should not lead to not raising our girls.
      Away from the young man’s story, rape accusations can ruin a young man’s life. You don’t want to know how much I warn my boy’s about this crime that you sometimes do not need a witness to prove. So my question remains should we not talk to the girls too?

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