rape

In Which We Have Some Serious Talk About Consent

There has been a lot of talk about consent in modern times. As a mother of three boys, I am concerned not only about my sons not forcing consent out of anyone but also of them misreading the cues that a female gives. So when I read certain scenarios provided on Twitter, I use it as an opportunity to test their understanding.

Let me say here that I do not envy men of the 21st century. I would like to say good men always end up with good ladies but we all know that doesnt always happen. A nice guy can end up with a mentally imbalanced lady and vice versa. Bad things happen to good people that is why some ladies will withdraw consent they freely gave when they are attacked by conscience after thr fact or when they feel that the man has not continued loving them the way they feel he should. I can’t imagine how I would feel if any of my sons was falsely accused of rape or sexual assault and I had no way of proving otherwise. So to them I preach extreme caution; try not to be in isolated places with any girl and if you are with one you like, have a chaperone. This of course does not cover every single situation but I’m hoping it helps.

So this guy tells his story on Twitter. You can read his story here. And I had to edit the story to PG 13 and share it with them. My question was: what would they have done different? These were their thoughts:

  • It is a bad idea to hang out with an ex. Dave thinks there has to be a reason they were ex to start with.

My next question was what if it becomes absolutely necessary to spend time with an ex?

  • “10pm is too late for her to come back home with me,”Dave says. “After dinner I am dropping her off at her home.” Zaram says he would call her a cab if she does not have a means of transportation. She definitely is not spending the night they both agree.

The kids could not contemplate allowing her to sleep over. That is where they draw the line. So I posed another question: what if she is stranded sleeps over and begins to give these funny signals at night?

  • I’ll leave the room for her says Zaram. Abd if she gets naked and keeps following you around and still says “no sex”? “Can I call the police?” Michael asks. (I think he has watched plenty oyibo feem)

My boys understand what consent means. I have used the tea illustration so they get it. But I am afraid that some girls still do not understand what it means to give consent. You cannot say you don’t want tea and then you carry the cup all the way to your mouth and then deep the tip of your tongue into it. While we train our boys that NO means NO can we tell our girls not to give mixed signals? Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

In Which We Talk About Marital Rape

It’s Sunday.

Yes, I know you know that already but I’m just reminding myself and you that you don’t get off days from parenting. It’s a 24/7 appointment and you’d better know that before you take on the assignment. Yep, it goes far beyond donating sperms and incubating them in your womb after fertilisation has taken place. Parenting is hard work.

So, we read Matthew 7:7 during worship and Dave decides he needs to exercise his right to questioning and getting me to provide answers. Oh, I’ll let you into his question soon enough but let me state that one of the responsibilities of parenthood is having the answers to all questions or at least having an idea how to get the answers. I don’t want that look of disappointment when my son asks a question and realises I don’t have a clue…especially experiential questions.

So Dave asks: How does a man rape a woman to whom he is married? My first reasoning was whether he wasn’t too young to destroy his innocence about what goes on behind closed doors. Do I really need to tell him that sex can be used to hurt rather than to love? And why was he asking anyway?

I thought maybe I should stall the question. I was quite capable of making him forget the question but for some reason I felt it was best to answer. What if he decided to go ask his friends?

I told him it was quite possible and he asked again how that can happen. “A man marries a woman he loves, so he can’t hurt her. Is it that the woman stops loving the man?”

So first we talk about rape in general. About ‘no’ meaning ‘no’ and not ‘maybe’ and then I tell him about how a woman may come home tired and not wanting sex that night and the husband wants it and she says ‘no’ and he goes ahead anyway.

And then he asks ‘so there are times the wife does not want it?’. I respond in the positive and again I mention she may be tired. And then he goes ‘I get it! The man can come home early cook and take care of the kids so that when she gets back she won’t be too tired for him!” (I think my boy just grew 100 yards of husband material)

We talked about other ways a man can show thoughtfulness and he listened quite attentively. I think he was taking mental notes. I reminded him again that no matter how aroused the man felt he must not force the wife to have sex if she says no. He got the point and suddenly couldn’t wait to move on to other things.

I think discussing sex with the boys is one of the harder things I have had to do. But, I am grateful to God that they come to me with their sex related questions. No matter how awkward it sometimes feels, I wouldn’t want to have it any different.

Aside: so while we were having the sex conversation, I made a discovery. The kids obviously didn’t know you can make love without making babies.
Zaram blurted out flabbergasted: “Have sex for fun???!!! You man you can have sex without getting pregnant???!!!” I had to find a way of explaining that sex could be awesome without actually making them want to experience it. Don’t ask me how I did that please x_x

Cheerios!